The Tea Party of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Skillet Liner
Summary: A relatively calm fiction about the SOS Brigade taking a day off for once. Like any day off, something has to go wrong, if just a little...
1. The Call

**Chapter 1**

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**As I woke up, my cellphone rung once again. I check the Caller ID, and it is unsurprisingly Haruhi.

"Oi."

"Kyon! The SOS Brigade is having a tea party and you better be there or I'll make your life miserable!"

Though I didn't point out she had made my life miserable from day one, I opened my mouth to say something. Haruhi hung up before I could object, which I concluded was her strategy for making people do things. It wasn't a bad one, either. After all, if a person only has one choice, then it's impossible for them to make a different one. As I grabbed my coat and shoes, I realized Haruhi had failed to tell me where the tea party was taking place. Conveniently, the phone rung again.

"Kenroku-en."

The phone line cut out again. Clearly, Haruhi wasn't even going to let me speak. Leaving the door, I thought about how Haruhi had secured a tea party in one of Japan's Great Gardens, but realized once again her secret strategy probably worked there too. Well, it was clearly time to have a tea party...


	2. Haruhi Explains

**Chapter 2**

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**When I arrived at Kenroku-en, I was pleasantly greeted by Asahina-san, who was polite enough to make tea for everyone on such short notice. I sat down, and saw that Haruhi had prepared a fairly elegant setting for the tea party.

"This doesn't seem like a very authentic Japanese tea party." I noticed.

"It's 'inspired by American culture'." Haruhi said angrily. "Besides, why do you know so much about Japanese tea parties anyway?" and Haruhi had me there.

Yuki was there, reading as usual. Her teacup was already empty, and as I looked around the table everyone else's teacup was also empty. Mikuru noticed my gaze and smiled.

"Haruhi told us to start without you, because you were ten minutes late." Mikuru bowed apologetically and took my teacup to warm it up. In the meantime, I asked a question that had since piqued my curiosity, ignoring the fact that I had come exactly on time.

"So why exactly are we having a tea party?" I asked. "And why here? Surely it was very expensive to-"

"Because the owner alerted me of the grand mystery here." Haruhi interrupted, ignoring my second statement as she often did. "Kenroku-en combines six of the crucial functions of any garden. By that, I mean spaciousness, serenity, venerability, scenic views, subtle design, and coolness. However, each function seems to be interrupted by a haunting."

"The garden is haunted?" Mikuru said, startled. She looked scared already.

"Well, at least we hope it is." Haruhi said, muttering to herself. "At the very least, something's going wrong. And it's up to the SOS Brigade to find out what and to fix it!"

I sighed. We were in for an adventure again, I knew it.

Haruhi immediately took out a pen and paper and began to write down the six functions of a garden. "That's a problem." Haruhi thought after writing for some time.

"What's a problem?" I asked. It was rare that a problem would arise before Haruhi even had a chance to get angry at something.

"Well, there are six separate hauntings, but five of us. So I suppose we'll need to enlist the help of someone else..." Haruhi looked puzzled. After pondering things for a moment she stood up. "I'm going to go get a fruit soda. Stay right here, everyone."

I was about to ask Haruhi why she was drinking soda at a tea party, but I figured that I probably wouldn't get an answer. The tea was ready now, and as I drank Yuki startled me.

"Suzumiya-san's powers will activate now." she said, and went back to reading.

I was about to ask what she meant when I heard a rumbling behind me.


	3. The Sixth Character

"Nyoro~n." Came a soft voice. "I can help you, but I'm hungry for some smoked cheese first."

"We... we don't need you to help, Nyoron." I told her. "The SOS Brigade is capable of solving mysteries on its own."

"B-but, I can do so many things." Nyoron explained. "I'll be able to help you with every case, every murder, every missing piece of smoked cheese. I found nowhere to sign up for the SOS Brigade, so I looked all over Japan until I found you!"

(Creepy...) "The tea needs watching." I lied. "While we search for other things, it's quite possible the tea will fly away and disappear."

"How exciting!" Nyoron said, falling for my lie. "I'll stay here while you go search for the-"

"Yahoo!" Haruhi said, coming back with her grape soda. "Eh? Who's over there?"

"Nyoro~n." Nyoron said again.

"Well, let's go. On the list, we have to visit the 'spaciousness' section of the garden first. Get ready, everyone." The SOS Brigade now walked over to what was a quite spacious section of the garden, that also appeared to resemble a giant chessboard.

"And exactly why is this chessboard here?" I asked Haruhi.

"I'm not exactly sure." Haruhi responded. "I have no idea why anyone would play chess while drinking tea. Chess is awfully boring, anyway. There's a chess club, but everyone there was dry and boring. They didn't even talk while they were playing, so how fun could moving small pieces of marble around be?"

Around the word "marble", I had noticed a dark mist begin to surround the giant chessboard, and in a flash we were all standing in different places.

"W-what's going on?" Mikuru yelled out, as everyone struggled to see. For some reason, everyone had changed into white clothing, and it was pretty clear weird stuff was going on.


	4. How About a Game of Chess?

**Chapter 4**

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"What's going on?" I asked to everyone. I tried to lean over and speak to the others, but I appeared to be stuck in a square. It quickly occurred to me that this was, in fact, a game of chess controlled by the spaciousness spirit, and that I was part of it. Looking to see what position I was in, I deducted that I had somehow ended up as the King (By Haruhi's standards, I should have been one of the eight Pawns) and Haruhi, quite obviously was the Queen.

"I get to be the King." I told Haruhi.

"Of course, Kyon. Cause you have to be protected and are otherwise completely useless. Even the pawns can transform into something important." Haruhi brushed her hair aside and adjusted her crown.

I now felt less important, but I looked around the board to check positions. Mikuru was playing a bishop, Itsuki a knight, and Yuki as a rook. That seemed about right. The rest of the pieces seemed to be quite ordinary. I looked across to see the black set of chess pieces, which all appeared to be regular and boring. White, as usual was the first to move and a pawn advanced two squares.

The black pawn also advanced two squares, matching the white pawn's move. I wondered for a bit if the black team would merely copy our strategy. The knight Itsuki ungracefully hopped over a pawn to move in an L-shape. The black team's bishop moved to what I calculated to be b4, which would prevent us from moving the pawn in front of Haruhi. Itsuki then nabbed the e5 pawn and I yawned. The King really doesn't do anything in the game other than be important and get protected, which reminded me a bit of the government.

The black team moved their left knight to f6, which protected their queen. One of our pawns moved forward to e3 by the SOS Brigade's command. I began to wonder what would happen if we happened to lose this game, but I remembered what Haruhi said about joining the chess club and hoped she had a strategy.

"Haruhi, what strategies did you learn in chess club?"

"KILL 'EM ALL! KILL 'EM ALL!" Haruhi shouted. "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

Like in our match against the Computer Society, Haruhi was merely obsessed with killing things without a strategy. Perhaps this wouldn't end well.

[Out of context note: If you are following this story you may have seen an awful bit of writing as "Chapter 3". This was some crappy thing I abandoned because it was awful.]


	5. Double Sacrifice

**Chapter 5**

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**Things were going well, or less than well. With my limited knowledge of chess, I honestly didn't know. It was Black's turn to move, and they unsurprisingly castled. What I did know is that castling was usually a good strategy, unless the king was to be cornered in which case bad things happened.

Haruhi ordered a pawn to kill an unprotected bishop next at b4. Black moved a knight to e4 to destroy one of our pawns. Haruhi moved Mikuru to d3 to allow room for me to castle. I worried for Asahina-san's safety, and told Haruhi to call her back soon. I glanced over my shoulder to find that Asahina-san was also over there! Apparently we could switch between the two pieces we were representing. Black threatened Itsuki with a pawn to d6. Itsuki moved to g4 to escape danger. I yawned until a sudden move from Black flew across the board. One of Black's bishops had struck down Itsuki at g4! He reappeared at b1, and we were concerned for his safety.

I castled and talked to Yuki. "Surely you can alter the data so that we can win this game." I told her.

"No." she replied. I was about to ask for more information when she continued. "The spirit would be angered."

Things were looking slightly less bright now. All of the sudden, I turned around to Haruhi screaming.

"KYON!" she yelled. "How could you have let the bishop move there without protecting me? Now the bishop is going to take me, right now! And I don't like that!"

Oddly enough, Black calmly moved his knight to c6 while the game continued. I wondered exactly why this was the case. Just then, Haruhi swept across the board with stunning speed to g4, taking the bishop previously threatening her.

"Be more careful now, Kyon." she said and looked away.

One of Black's knights moved in an L-shape to b4, murdering one of our pawns. Mikuru bravely stepped in a diagonal line to capture the knight on e4, and I gave a round of applause. She turned around and behind her I saw a pawn approach at d5. Mikuru then moved again to capture d5's pawn when she was suddenly killed by the Black Queen!

I was shocked for a moment, and then remembered Mikuru still had a piece at c1. This was an important piece, to be sure. Chess was difficult under the conditions of keeping the King, Queen, and at least one rook, bishop, and knight alive. Haruhi swept across the board once again to do away with the knight at b4. Black brought out a rook to e8, and things started getting dangerous.

Haruhi checked her surroundings for a good few minutes and then proclaimed that she would capture the pawn at b7.

"Stop!" I cried, just in time. The Black Queen would endanger her then, so I was being cautious. We advanced a pawn to d4, stepping bravely up to the Black Queen. Black countered our obvious trap by moving a pawn to c5 in which we would certainly lose a piece.

"A poorly set up fork." Yuki noted. "Pawn d4 to e5."

Black had not anticipated this move, and dangerously moved a rook to e4. Haruhi was in a pinch now, and cautiously moved to a5. Black set up another fork by moving to b6 with a pawn. Either way, if we took the pawn Haruhi would die. For a moment, it seemed that Haruhi was completely cornered until she stepped back to a3. Black picked off our pawn with another pawn at c5. Itsuki bravely stepped into the square c3, finally forking our opponents. The Black Queen moved to f5, knowing that if we took her rook Itsuki would die.

"Sometimes in a game of chess, sacrifices must be made." Itsuki noted.

"Never mind that." Haruhi said, ordering a white pawn to b4.

As I didn't understand chess extremely well, I started to get bored and told Yuki to wake me up when something important happened. The square wasn't large, so I was forced to curl up into a ball. When I woke up, Yuki recited this list:

Black: Pawn goes to b4  
White: Queen to a6

"I told you to wake me up when something important happened." I said, grumpy.

"Something important will happen."

Itsuki was killed on the square e3 to my shock. It would have been better to sacrifice him to destroy the rook. Haruhi took the a7 pawn while I waited anxiously. Black's pawn approached Mikuru at c2. We advanced a pawn to f3. Black moved a rook to d8. In the midst of all these boring moves, Haruhi smugly ordered a pawn to destroy the e4 rook.

"We're almost done." she told me. The Black Queen took the e4 pawn. Mikuru then lunged to g5, ready to get rid of a rook. I almost thought we had lost. Black's pawn could now promote and become a queen. However, a rook on that same row prevented that from happening. Black moved a rook to d1, and the two Yukis were ready for carnage. One Yuki was moved to d1 and sacrificed herself. Then the other Yuki killed the new Queen at d1 once again, and such went the game. Black was down to three pawns, a Queen and King now. A black pawn threatened Mikuru at h6, and Mikuru moved back to e3 in order to counter.

"NO!" I shouted, too late as the Black Queen immediately struck Mikuru down. But with a jolt of energy, Haruhi leaped across the board and pummeled the Black Queen herself.

"No messing with Mikuru." she said. Just then, she turned around to see the Black King wobbling, then shaking, then finally falling over.

"That took too long." Haruhi said, dusting her shoulders. But what would become of Mikuru and Itsuki?


End file.
